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Last day of 2009. Explicit.

I must learn to love the fool in me, the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. You start out life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been… and wonder who you really are.

IF there’s one thing every kid learns growing up, it’s that life is a series of risks. It’s a cause and effect relationship. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Still, with the proper guidance we learn to deal with the risks. Pretty soon we set out into the world, sure in our options, confident in our choices. Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn’t fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away.

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.

my-so-called-life

It’s laughing with your friend at a time when you shouldn’t. It’s the sweat in your palms wanting to know someone you see and the pit in your stomach when they actually see you. It’s being touched by hands that aren’t your own. It’s the thrill of an escape that almost wasn’t. It’s the embarrassment you feel, naked for the first time. It’s helping a friend find something they lost. It’s a smile, a joke, a song. It’s what someone does that they like doing. It’s what someone does that they like remembering. It’s the thinking of things you may never do and the doing of things you may never have thought. It’s the road ahead and the road behind. It’s the first step and the last and every one in between, because they all make up the good life.

I wondered what happened when you offered yourself to someone, and they opened you, only to discover you were not the gift they expected and they had to smile and nod and say thank you all the same. Often we allow ourselves to be upset by small things we should despise and forget. We lose many irreplaceable hours brooding over grievances that, in a year’s time, will be forgotten by us and by everybody. No, let us devote our life to worthwhile actions and feelings, to great thoughts, real affections and enduring undertakings. It's terribly amusing how many different climates of feeling one can go through in a day. I've been thinking a lot about secrets. How sometimes secrets keep people from feeling like they belong, and sometimes secrets make you feel like you do belong.

As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe. It’s not that we don’t want to, but too much has happened that we just can’t. That’s all we are — just stories. We only exist by how people remember us, by the stories we make of our lives. Without the stories, we’d just fade away.
beautiful on the inside

In the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you’re behaving like the best friend. You know that feeling? That feeling when you just want the right thing to fall into the right place, not only because it’s right, but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible? I want to believe that.

Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet. Make all your friends feel there is something in them. Look at the sunny side of everything. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Be as enthusiastic about success of others as you are about your own. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on the greater achievements of the future. Give everyone a smile. Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others. Be too big for worry and too noble for anger. The truth is, life is rarely exactly the way we want it to be, and other people often don’t act as we would like them to. Moment to moment, there are aspects of life that we like and others that we don’t. There are always going to be people who disagree with you, people who do things differently, and things that don’t work out. If you fight against the principle of life, you’ll spend most of your life fighting battles.

Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love. yourself to get anything done in this world. I shouldn’t regret anything that I say, because it’s what I was feeling at the moment. There’s the people who you’ve known forever who know you in this way that other people can’t because they’ve seen you change… they’ve let you change. I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper: The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
safe to say i'm officially missing you




♥ this vid.



Don't tell me who I am because unless I write all my thoughts down on a piece of paper and hand it to you, you don’t even know half my life. Isn’t it weird how you never seem to focus on what you like about a person but tend to notice every flaw they have?I Am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

It’s those moments when you drive around in a car full of friends around a town too small for you. Where you gasp for breath between each laugh. It’s those moments where you get high off just breathing in so deep, you feel your lungs getting cold. For a second, that split second, you don’t care. You don’t care about school, about parents, about money, about rules, or broken hearts. Who you care about are the kids sitting next to you. Cause it’s all we really need isn’t it? Those kids next to you. Yeah, the ones who make you feel invincible, even at your weakest points.

In life you’ll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it’s because they’re stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance… Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself. If anybody asks me, “is it easy to forget?” I’ll say “it’s easily done, you just pick anyone, and pretend that you never have met.

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. I wondered what happened when you offered yourself to someone, and they opened you, only to discover you were not the gift they expected and they had to smile and nod and say thank you all the same.
changed attitudes

I found out that the things that hurt us the most can become the fuel and the catalyst that propel us toward our destiny. It will either make you bitter or it will make you better. I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

"So you’re always honest,” I said.
“Aren’t you?”
“No,” I told him. “I’m not.”
“Well, that’s good to know, I guess.”
“I’m not saying I’m a liar,” I told him. He raised his eyebrows. “That’s not how I meant it, anyways.”
“How’d you mean it, then?”
“I just…I don’t always say what I feel.”
“Why not?”
“Because the truth sometimes hurts,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said. “So do lies, though."

Hold your head up. Take an unplanned road trip. Be thankful. Try everything once. Colour outside the lines. Fall in love. Embrace change. Trust in yourself. Do what you love. Dance when everyone is looking. Eat dessert first. Be nice to everyone. Send out thank you cards. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Play in the rain. Break the rules once in awhile. Do random acts of kindness. Forgive even when its hard. Make time for family. Don't count the minutes, count the laughs.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. People often say that ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder,’ and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realising that you are the beholder. This empowers us to find beauty in places where others have not dared to look, including inside ourselves.
tik tok on the clock

You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it’s always their actions you should judge them by. It’s actions, not words, that matter. It's more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like “What about lunch?"

It is an amazing concept that I can not grasp, how some people can live their lives, knowing, knowing well enough that they’re deliberately taking someone’s world away. For nothing. For their own enjoyment, perhaps, or their sadistic ways, I do not know, I do not take that path in life. They’re gonna find you, just believe. You’re not a person; you’re a disease.



"Some people care too much. I think it’s called love" - Winnie The Pooh

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Hello, I am alive and lovely.

clear beginnings

I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best. I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on. You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you’ve never been hurt and live like it’s heaven on Earth.

It’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.

I know I hardly post, and whenever I do, I say what I feel.

can't help but wonder

Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice. eg. Once you lose yourself, you have two choices: Find the person you used to be, Or lose that person completely. Be careful, though, because if you start believing that bad things happen for a reason, it hurts that much more when they don’t. Why can’t we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn’t work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I know what I need; I need more hellos.

--

There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you’d better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you’ll never understand what it’s saying. It's all in the view. That’s what I mean about forever, too. For any one of us our forever could end in an hour, or a hundred years from now. You never know for sure, so you’d better make every second count. Some things don’t last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there.

hearts desire


For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it. You don't need to know everything in life, just the things that you need to be happy.

I think everyone has a certain part of their lives where they truly wish they could freeze time. Whether it was three years ago, today, or still to come, whether it was just a moment, a whole day, or a whole summer. Everyone has a time in their life where they wish everything would just stop. The world would stop turning and people would stop changing because to them, at that time, everything was perfect. Don't be so damn hard on yourself. Yeah, you screwed up. You’re not perfect, fine. Learn from it. But don’t punish yourself. Be kind to you, even when you screw up. You’ll bounce back eventually. You’ll make up for it.

--

So, how's year 12? I made a promise, set a goal for myself for 2010. No more less procrastination. I've been lazy these past two days. Doing what? Sleeping early I guess. I can't believe not doing work for one night can make your brain forget everything. Gotta try and stick to doing hwk every night ahh. On the contrary, isn't that picture above so pretty? I love the leaves, the texture and colour of it. Look at how the leaves are positioned, it's so oddly placed. It's so breathtaking (even though it's just a picture haha). Oh how little things amuse me :)

sapone latte

I wanna get lost from my life sometimes, sit on the side and watch the world go by, I wanna get lost and I don’t know why. I have long since come to believe that people never mean half of what they say, and that it is best to disregard their talk and judge only their actions. School started a couple of days ago and I feel so old already. Truth is, I'm not. I'm still in year 11, and will officially be in year 12, NEXT YEAR. Knowing that, made my day, haha. Oh, man...

--

I’ve always looked at music in two ways, levels even. The first level just what you hear, a combination of sounds thats pleasing to the ear, backing all the way to a point that looks about all the levels and layers as a kind of math equation. Numbers and relationships, meeting perfectly at some point or another. Every note related, every note on a different level, Like stairs above stairs. Always increasing to one point to continue over itself.

But just now I stepped forward to the next level in from the math equation. The frequencies, we can physically feel sound. So listening to music can not only mentally put someone in a trance it can physically control them.

I like that.
half-heartedly

TWO more days left till holidays = two more days till yr 12.

I’m not sure if I’m happy or completely lost right now. Definitely a little lost, but aren’t we all? I have long since come to believe that people never mean half of what they say, and that it is best to disregard their talk and judge only their actions. I have no idea what I’m doing in my life, or where I’m going. And I think I’m okay with that right now. For the first time in awhile, I noticed that I’ve changed. Maybe for the best, maybe not. But does it really matter? When we change, we can never go back. Each day is like a chemical reaction, you can tell something has happened because it can never go back to what it was. A new substance has formed; the process cannot be reversed.

Went to watch final destination 4 in 3D form with the others and I was hella creeped. man, i miss them. the others. i miss karaoke, i miss the young life, miss the dinners with everyone, but it's not over yet. just one more year, and i'll be free once again. i can't help but wonder why there are some people (like me), who spend their time doing pointless things and others who make such good use of it. why am i any different from them? i can make it right. soon.

yrrrrrrrrrrr 12, delirious.

xo helena

reasons.

"Seems like every time you think you’ve figured out what something is, it just becomes something else."

Today, was a good day. Caught up with the girls and all, talking about random shit. i am on holidays. in two weeks i'm going to be in year 12. I'm gonna miss yr 11, seriously. lol. I don't know, guess yr 12 makes me feel old, even tho i'm only 16? Congrats to everyone who finished yr 11 successfully! The weather's been shit the whole week :( luckily, it was good enough for the social. apart from the smoking, unable to get up/down the stairs, blisters from heels (never wearing heels ever again) i had an alright timeeeeee. i had the worst experience walking from star city to chinatown and back to capitol, despite getting hit on by a fugly drunko.

Hopefully! The weather will change soon, no more rainy days on spring. Daylight saving sucks, time flies. Gonna make this holiday my best (unlikely), seeing it will be my last one to sit around do nothing.

There’s always a reason to everything.
A reason to smile.
A reason to laugh.
A reason to cry.
A reason to be sad.
A reason to be happy.
A reason to be mad.
A reason to hate/love yourself.
A reason why you fell for the person you fell hardest for.
A reason why you are living.
memories

"I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that loving is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."

I knew that there were no guarantees. No way of knowing what came next for me, for him, or anybody. Some things don’t last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there. One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. Never try to forget something, no matter how much you want to. There’s a reason why your mind won’t let it go, even if your heart has. Your memories always serve a purpose, whether you know it or not, and you can’t fight that.

Life is like a book. Don’t jump to the end to see if its worth it. Just enjoy life and make those pages filled with beautiful memories.
same shit, different bitch.

"hαs αnyone ever mistαken you for someone else? yeah, some guy shouted to me when i was walking somewhere, he’s like “JILL! HOP IN, I’LL DRIVE YOU HOME. JILL! JILL?…..JILL…?” then i looked at him and said , “who’s jill…?”. he sped away so fast it was quite entertaining actually."

So I can be a bit outspoken. I say things some people may not like. But I rather speak whats on my mind be heard rather then sitting there in silence for the fear that someone might not like what I say. Fuck em’ when I need to say something, i’ll say it. If someone doesn’t like me for it afterward, well damn that’s not my loss now is it? The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware... joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware.

HAHAH, rihanna, jay z and kayne west look weird in run this town mv.


There’s one thing every kid learns growing up, it’s that life is a series of risks. It’s a cause and effect relationship. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Still, with the proper guidance we learn to deal with the risks. Pretty soon we set out into the world, sure in our options, confident in our choices.
At the end of the day, there are some things you just can’t help but talk about. Some things we just don’t want to hear, and some things we say because we can’t be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they’re what you do. Some things you say cause there’s no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves. So, make choices, make millions of them. Take every chance you get. Because honestly, no matter where you end up, or who you end up with, it always ends up the way it should be.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.

heysilly
story without words

I love my family, no doubt. They're the most important thing in MY life. Of course, there are days when I love them, and of course, others I don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people I always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself.

This how it works. I love the people in my life, and I do for my friends whatever they need me to do for them, again and again, as many times as is necessary. For example, in your case you always forgot who you are and how much you’re loved. So what I do for you as your friend is remind you who you are and tell you how much I love you. And this isn’t any kind of burden for me, because I love who you are very much. Every time I remind you, I get to remember with you, which is my pleasure.

I NEED A BREAK, ROAD TRIP TOMORROW :)

  • When someone mocks you, it teaches you that no two people are alike. When you encounter people who are different from you, do not judge them by how they look or act, instead base it on the contents of what is in their hearts.

    •

    You know, I used to spend every day thinking about you and dreaming about you. And every time you walked by I lost myself. Do you know what that feels like? You couldn’t possibly know what it feels like to have that person not have the same feelings back. Look, I’m sorry if you miss the way I looked at you, but I don’t miss the way you never looked at me.

    X
    FUCK YOU, BITCHES.
    HAPPY HELENA :)

    Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. When what we are is what we want to be, that’s happiness.

    Being happy doesn’t mean everything is perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections. So might just as well be happy, seeing as it doesn’t make a difference to anyone but me if I am or not.

    EXAMS SOOOOON :) :) :)

    P.S You have at least one reason to be happy. Smile!
    Adrian :)
    Welll. Haven't blogged for ages hey :)

    Haven't been doing much recently, have had exams which started today and i'm lucky cause i have a day off tomorroww ! :) can't wait. Although i haven't even done any work today which is a tiny bit dissapointing :P You know sometimes i am worried about certain things turning out the way i would hate them to, but i realised something. No matter how hard you want and need something, it will always work out when you try your hardest. I hope this is the case in all the things i want today, tomorrow or whenever. Finally i'd like to say that Helen Feng has been a bit :s in the past few days and i am a bit worried about what she means and is saying, i hope for the best and all i can do is try my best.

    I just hope she knows how much i love her and how much i truely miss her right now...


    Adriana
    HELENA:)
    WOO, GOODBYE WINTER AND

    SAY HELLO TO SPRING. ♥
    HELENA:)

    Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances. Wait for the person who makes you smile like no one else and when they smile you know they need you. Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweat and a t-shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them. Most of all wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe, because that’s where you belong.

    --

    Gonna make this a brief recap on my weekend. This week was awesome, no other word or words can describe it. Went city on Friday night with the girls (that night was so hot, can't wait for freakin' summer!) it was so fun celebrating Lisa's belated birthday, maybe because I've never been city with the girls at night. We went pancakes at the rocks at darling harbour :):) Carmen had three glasses of coke, it was hilarious as our bill was more than we had expected. Took a long walk around darling harbour where we took so many photos, I love the night view at darling harbour, it's so beautiful ♥ LOL after our lovely luvo sessions, we went to K for an hour at SHOW. It was the best, k? Had to leave afterwards mainly because I had work the next day and my feet were killing me. PHOTOS?! Sadly, they're all up on facebook :D as I am not bothered to post them up here.

    Ohmygod, I had work on Saturday, and because of that I officially hate waking up so early every second weekend. I finished at 1:30pm and was looking forward to go Chatswood to go shopping. Oh, did I mention I bought my social dress? It was exactly how I pictured it to be, black with a bow :) but I haven't tried it on and if it doesn't fit i'm gonna freak. Unfortunately, after a row of pointless arguements with fudi, we decided to go City to find my parents. K, so we got there and had lunch and then decided to go K at phoenix. Hella awkward, there was a mix of asian and english songs, haha but it was quite enjoyable. Went K again, but at greenbox with michelle and the others for an hour before we left to eat. After 30 mins getting to Martin Place from Chinatown, we reached Suminoya, jap BBQ? Fucken 100 degrees in there, no joke. Nothing could cool us down till the stove was removed from our table, mygod lol. K, i cbb saying anymore, but overall, I had one of the best weekends ever. Now, I wish i was olddddddddddddddddddddder.

    PS. I miss fudi ♥
    Broken Heart -- ADRIAN:)
    What are we fighting for?
    Why do we even bother?
    We don't see eye to eye no more
    This house is tearing apart

    I know love ain't fair
    I know it ain't perfect
    But i can't be here
    'Cuz your love ain't worth it

    A part of me scared
    A part of me searchin'
    And this is how it sounds when my heart cries (oh oh oh, oh oh oh)
    And you won't even come to my rescue (oh oh oh, oh oh oh)
    I'm cryin' for you babe
    This is the soundtrack of my broken heart

    What are we screamin' for?
    Why does it matter?
    When you walkin' out that door
    And my heart is breakin' in half

    I know love ain't fair
    I know it ain't perfect
    But i can't be here
    'Cuz your love ain't worth it

    A part of me scared
    A part of me searchin'
    And this is how it sounds when my heart cries (oh oh oh, oh oh oh)
    And you won't even come to my rescue (oh oh oh, oh oh oh)
    I'm cryin' for you babe
    This is the soundtrack of my broken heart

    You see me drownin'
    But you won't save my life
    I'm dying baby (dying baby)
    My bestest neighbour in love
    To keep you happy

    So listen to the sound of my broken heart (to get over you)
    And you won't even come to my rescue (come to my rescue)
    This is the soundtrack to my broken heart.
    ADRIAN:)

    Well, I've had quite alot of fun in recent times and although i have been really grumpy in recent times i think that period is finally coming to an end now ! In yaa we finally have a product and today i sold 5 to randoms :P Ahh i have exams in just under 2 weeks and to be honest i am quite worried, i think it's due to the different positioning of the exam times, whereas usually the exams are directly after term break, the exams are halfway through term ! wth so not use to it. Today i was feeling soooo tired and then i put on this drop for dry eyes and it helped so much, it's like instant red bull or somethingg haha. I sold a bottle opener to some guy who use to do YAA ages agoo and he told me he made clocks out of CDs and i was just like oh okay.. hahaha i'm dissapointed that today i didn't see my beautiful girl, when i think about the fact that i didn't see her today it just makes me :(. Heyy i didn't eat much today ! i set my Wii goal to be 66 kgs by september and let's see ayee?

    Labels:


    HELENA:)

    NTS: ADRIAN LOK IS GAY.

    I had crossroads today, on sexuality HA! I've been having a pretty good week, and it's only tuesday. I love how things work out in the end. I mean I may have doubts throughout, but if I'm in doubt it’s not the end. If someone is unhappy, it’s not the end. You gotta have faith in what you do and feel confident while doing it because in the end it all has to work out, right? I mean sex-ed is pretty boring but you learn stuff from it!

    So a few adjustments to the blog once again :) You know when people say money can't buy happiness and love? Well i found out this today! The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. I want to be like that, make the most of everything with what I've got. Finding happiness is like finding yourself. You don’t find happiness, you make happiness. You choose happiness. So that's why, no matter what is happening around you and in the world, thru the good and the bad, smiling for once won't hurt you, I bet it'll definitely be the best decision you've ever made.

    xx
    Adrian<3Helen


    Went to ichiban today at tgv! It was interesting because I think I caught a cold from eating there or just from the fluctuating temperatures of today! I was so happy to see you baby today that I like ran through wollies to greet you! But I was kinda embarrased cause everybody looked at me and was like WTF?! haha, also today I went to kino to read some random books, tutor got changed on Thursday to 530 pm and trade expo on sundayyy!! Exams in 2weeks and I'm studying hard!! I love my girlfriend and she really is my inspiration to study , she really is! I also look forward to continuing our recent tradition of talking on the phone at 12 o'clock every night no matter the day, which is a perfect way to spend your new days eve, I love you

    I miss you so much right now and I wish I could call you right now. I love you babe.

    Baby it's all in my head

    Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

    I think over the past year, I've changed. My life is on a major downfall this year. I dunno what's to become of me. Although i used to tell myself change is good, I know this change isn't because change isn’t good or bad. It’s just the way of things. Nothing stays the same. I know change is inevitable. Adapting to change is unavoidable. It’s how I choose to do it that sets me together or apart. is about change. Sometimes it’s painful, sometimes it’s beautiful, but most of the time it’s both. It's not the 'smoking, drinking' sort of change, it's the decisions I make, that leads to hurting and lying. I may not have the 'bestest' friends, but I sure have a supporting and loving family who I know will always be there whenever I need a hand and i'm thankful for that. But sometimes, I wish they understood me and how I felt towards specific things. They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

    I'm tired, maybe it's PMS starting to kick in. I think i'm gonna take a nap after this blog. Ciao.

    self explanatory
    if you do this to a girl she will turn into an asshole.


    All this time, I've been involved in the process of self-discovery. It’s better to explore life and make mistakes than to play it safe. Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life. Because all life, we are told the things we cannot do. All our life people will say you’re not good enough or strong enough or talented enough; they will say you’re the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be this or achieve this. THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a thousand times no, until all the no’s become meaningless. All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly and very quickly. AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES.

    So, the biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams.


    Wooo, finally changed blogskin! I'm extremely satisfied with life at the moment :) Reason being:

  • my beautiful family
  • my wonderful boyfrienddd
  • amazing friends
  • not stressing with school
  • looking forward to social and holidays!

    P.S Went DFO today with my mum, and bought a jacket, YAY:)
    + dinner tomorrow night cause of Uncle's birthday and I can't wait ARGH! (So many birthdays in August...)

    xoxo

    •
    我愛你, 我想你太多le, 您在哪?!

    On friday during school we went to the Wayside Church which i thought was a fantastic experience, once i finish my HSC i am going to volunteer at such a location as i think it is for a great cause. Been sleeping at 2 am for the past 3 days now and i'm sooo tired :p, Especially today! i have been procrastinating for soo long and i think it's time to start studying for the exams which are only 3 weeks away !:S

    To you, my beloved; I love you and i can't wait to see you tomorroww :) I am always so happy when i'm around you and it amazes me that it makes me happy just to think about you ! I love you. oh and remember check out civilisation on the iphone, i want to buy it ==". I LOVE YOU i wonder what you're doing right now..

    -adrian

    NTS:Change blogskin ASAP, lol.


    I hate who you've become. I hate everything you do because it either hurts me or makes me angry. Lately you've been on my mind constantly. Something inside of myself is telling me to hold on, and honestly I thought I had already let go of you long ago. I told myself; why keep holding onto this idea that may only play out right in my head? Why do something that may only end up hurting me?

    --

    The things about life that I’ve learned is that you’re going to get hurt. You’re going to have emotional nights and cry yourself to sleep for hours. You’re going to suffer some kind of heartbreak, some kind of loss. But you will also have those moments where you heal. Those moments are the best. You feel like you smile for the first time again. You feel like you’re alive again. Life just kinda restarts.
    Dear my love.
    I am strong when i am on your shoulders. :)In recent times i have been having the time of my life, being happy that i am totally in love with her, yet also being so happy that our relationship has become one of stability, dedication, and love. I no longer have to worry about being over protective as i totally trust her. I no longer become unhappy and frustrated about small and insignificant things as we now both have moved on to be truly dedicated. But that is not to say that i do get jealous alot! It amazes me that i am only 17 and her 16 yet i feel mature and stable, loving and caring about our relationship and i am so honoured/proud because of that. Maybe that is because we do many things which most young relationships don't do, such as driving around in a car, taking out cousins for the day, meeting family members but i don't care, all i care is that i am honoured and privileged to be in such a relationship and it makes me smile every second i think about it. We no longer have problems which plague immature relationships and for that i am incredibly privileged. I just hope we can last forever cause i know it's hard to come by such a mature relationship regardless of age. i am extremely excited to see you next, but know even if i don't see you for a while none of my feelings will change.
    I love you.


    -Adrian

    Man, I haven't blogged in ages. So much emotion and thought going through my mind, no time lol. The other day, I came across a well known question "What is life?" So, what is it? What's life all about?

    --

    Life isn’t about how many people call you and it’s not about who you’ve dated, are dating, or haven’t dated at all.

    It’s not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not.

    Life isn’t about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it’s not about how accepted or unaccepted you are.

    Life just isn’t about that.

    But life is about who you love and who you hurt.

    It’s about how you feel about yourself.

    It’s about trust, happiness, and compassion.

    It’s about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love.

    Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance, and building confidence.

    It’s about what you say and what you mean.

    It’s about seeing people for who they are and not for what they have.

    Most of all, it is about living your life to touch someone else’s.

    I'm letting go not because I'm weak, but because I want you to be happy. There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life. Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. I didn’t want to fix it, but to forget. It wasn’t something that was broken. It’s just… something that happened. And like that hole, I’m just finding ways, every day, of working around it. Respecting and remembering and getting on at the same time.

    Don’t you think it’s better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?

    Perhaps, if I said no, would you keep chasing me until I stopped running? Or would you stop because those words only meant an end? Maybe you were tired. Maybe that’s why you stopped. Or maybe it’s because you weren’t true to your feelings. Those promises you made me & that 4 letter word that made all the problems disappear. But after all, they were just words. I was just foolish enough to trip over them while I was running away.
    Sometimes you’re afraid to become a couple because you’re afraid of losing what you already have with that person. But life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don’t be a person who has to look back and wonder what they could have had. No one waits forever.
    You're my disease, yet without you i wouldn't be able to survive. I'm in love with you and i wish you knew how i felt about things.

    Today for me was plagued with thought and ambiguity. My constant question to myself was 'what to do' yet i knew in my mind what needed to be done already. I knew that it would never work if i was always the one running back and being the one who is like a dependent little baby. Although that is part of who i am i stopped myself from being like that since the incident last night and i hoped that she loved me enough to come back to me instead of the other way around, i discovered that was the only way it was going to work and i really hope she will.. I'm in love, i did the wrong thing yesterday but i hope love is forgiving and understanding. I'm crying right now and i actually am totally in love with you babe and i just hope you love me enough to come back to me for a change, that's the only way it's going to work.. forgive me for what happened yesterday i won't do it again i swear.

    -Adrian

    what's your secret?

    you intimidate yet fascinate me. you're simple to talk to yet I never really know what to say. you're hard to figure out. there's so much I still don't know about you and vice versa. you're one of the most interesting people i've met and i love talking to you.

    every day i fall for you a little bit more. every day i feel like you're slipping away, just a little bit. when i'm with him, i'm thinking of you. and now i'm starting to fall for you as hard as you did for me.

    Any happier?
    I had a pretty good day today till some fucken shithead ruined it. Yeah, you know who you are. For some reason, I feel happy because I knew this was bound to happen. Well whatever, I'm alright just so frustrated and annoyed because you're a fucker. A little fucker and I hope you realise I'm gonna break you. I'm not ashamed to let go because it's gonna push me forward! And I'm glad it's over. Wooo off to dinner now :) ciao.

    schoool:)

    Mhm. A few weeks ago, I came across a page who happened to be a friend's friend blog, which also happened to be talking about 'shoes'. Now you're probably thinking "it's just shoes", but it's not just normal shoes, it's a particular type of shoe which i won't mention. Yeah, well this person seemed to have a great deal of fashion sense in them, that they started saying all this shit about this 'shoe', saying how they looked so 'bad' on others and it was such a phase last year, everyone was wearing them. Hello? Incase YOU haven't realised, we live in a consumerist society, where everyone just conforms. Sooo like, I was pissed when i read it because I thought to myself, does this person have like the best clothes or what? Are you the one who goes around judging what's good and what's not? Have you looked at yourself? At least those people have some fashion sense, they don't wear 'em fobby, unlike you, who dresses all fobby, all you wear are 'HK stylez', like NGAPLZ. Before you start saying shit about how others look, pls look at yourself kthxbai.

    i heard she broke your heart again

    We all think we’re going to be great and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren’t met. But sometimes expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady. Standing. Still, the expected’s just the beginning, the unexpected is what changes our lives.
    adrian here :)

    One last kiss
    One last touch
    One last tender moment between us
    One last dance
    To our first song
    While pretending there's nothing wrong
    Let's stay here for awhile and
    Cherish every moment we're in denial
    We both know
    Its better if we just let it go
    new wishlist ;)

    From the first time I met you, I couldn’t take my eyes off you. I’ll admit that there was always something I missed. It didn’t matter if you were sitting at the front, or at the back, or talking to the person beside you, or if you were just by yourself. I could always from a crowd immediately identify you, know your position, & know where you are. It seemed wherever you’d go, there’d be light. But I kept thinking; if I didn’t say it, then the next time we met there could be no more chances. There have been many times I gave up opportunities to profess to you. That time I told myself; No matter what, I’m not letting you go.
    4th day

    I've been blogging almost everyday, lol. Anyways, yesterday i went City with my dad and David. Pretty cool, i guess. Did the usual, Yumcha and afternoon tea at Chinatown. But, the best part was when my uncle took David and I to Manly. Sigh, the places around there are so pretty there eg.the spit and sydney harbour national park. Hopefully i'll be able to show my Mum soon.

    I NEED A BLARDY HAIRCUT. Lol, i was looking at pics from 2 months ago, and my hair was so cool :( and now it's so ew but on a happier note, my face has become a lot better :D thanks to the fringe, what a difference 2 months can make aye. Anna just screwed up my whole hair, but i'm so lazy to go to the hairdressers.

    I've been so confused ever since you went on your 'trip'. I felt you were being so cold to me, maybe it's just me or you were purposely doing it. I only message 'him' because we, well I think we can have casual conversations. What are we? is the only question I keep asking myself. Sigh, you have no idea. It's all talk, i guess it's hard because you're away and I'm sitting here typing this. As of now, I'ma keep smiling, I'ma keep it moving cause i don't need you.


    We’re all searching for a meaning to our lives. Everyone is, we have to. Because no matter whom you are. I don’t think anyone is born knowing the reason why they’re here. It’s just something you have to find as you go along and it’s different for everyone, there is many reasons to live as there are people in the world. So the reason for being born, the reason you’ve been put here in the world, I think it’s something we all have to find for ourselves. So we search, within our hopes and dreams. Our work, the people in our lives and everything we do. And even if the reason we find something’s hazy or unclear, even if it’s so tiny that you can hardly see it, the important thing is that you always have one. As long as I’m alive, that’s what I want. To have a reason, to go on. And you know you can always find one, if you know where to look. The people in my life give me a reason for living. I wanna live my life for the people I care about. And someday, I hope I’ll find someone who wants to live their life for me. So even when things are tough and its hard to go on, it makes me wanna try harder, because I’m not just living for me, I’m living for them too. And so, I think it’s good that you’re bold, that you’re still here. Because you know, the world is a much better place with you in it.
    (L) Jessica, Dima.
    It’s those moments when you drive around in a car full of friends around a town too small for you. Where you gasp for breath between each laugh. It’s those moments where you get high off just breathing in so deep, you feel your lungs getting cold. For a second, that split second, you don’t care. You don’t care about school, about parents, about money, about rules, or broken hearts. Who you care about are the kids sitting next to you. Cause it’s all we really need isn’t it? Those kids next to you. Yeah, the ones who make you feel invincible, even at your weakest points.

    I refuse to cry over you anymore. Yes, I still care. To be honest, I think I’ll always care. But life’s too short, and I’m going to do my best to be happy, with or without you.
    before it's too late

    One more week left till school starts. I hung out with Jess and Dima finally. After all this time, it finally happened and it was so fun. Caesar and I found Jess the exact same time we got out of Central station, therefore we took the route to Caps and took some awful looking pictures (talking about myself of course) Jess and I wanted to take Dima to 'Pepper Lunch' for lunch but the food wasn't Halal so we had to choose something else. That's when we decided to have a kebab for lunch ;) We caught up on life for a bit, before we went to French Riveria to have our dessert! They didn't have waffles today cause the machine wasn't working so i got mini pancakes, they were so adorable. Jess and Dima shared a Riveria, filled with fruits and assorted flavours. Their blonde moment arose when they couldn't tell the difference between rum and orange cognac. As we were in Chinatown, we had many options as to what karaoke to go to. But in the end, we chose Phoenix cause they seemed to have much more updated songs? $12 for 3 hours - Happy Hour (12pm-8pm)
    It was such a great day, a combination of Dima's awesome dancing and jessica's fantastic australian idol singing skills haha.

    Quote of the day: "So is it halal beef or halal chicken?"
    "It's halal everything.." - My blonde moment.




    Love isn’t about the romantic nights or gifts. It isn’t about fireworks going off around you when you have that first real kiss. Love isn’t about kissing in the rain and dancing beneath the stars. It isn’t about the big moments or the big surprises. Love is not a fairytale. Love is about still having the butterflies after years. It’s about the second looks and laying in bed wide awake, all night, because you can’t go to sleep mad at each other. It’s about being willing to sacrifice, literally, everything for someone, just because you care so deeply for them. It’s not about buying them gifts, but it’s about leaving them little presents here and there, just to remind them that you are constantly thinking about them. Love is about all of the little things, that add up to really big things. Love is rare and special, but should not be treated as if it will break. Love needs to be thrown around and beat up a little bit, worn in, but not worn down. Love needs to be a comfortable feeling, a place to go when no one else in the world can relate. A safe place, where you know that no matter how ugly you look or how angry you are, you will still be loved.

    Looking back at old blogs makes me wish it was easy to go back in time, all i can do is hope that this is not the case, that this is not all happening. I wish all things happy just stayed happy. I don't know why it is so hard to go back to what it was like before and i wish it was easy to go back, cause i can't let go of anything. I don't know what happened and i wish i knew why things have turned out like this and all i can do is hope that this is all going to go back to what it was like before, to when everything was so happy and nice, i wish i knew what turned us into this. The truth is that i like you far too much, in fact i love you and i know you do too, well i say i know you do because in my heart that is all i am hoping for now, that you do still like me immensely and this is just all a phase in our relationship, and yes, i do, i do still have hope that this is all a phase cause i really do like you far too much Helen Feng, i hope you do feel the same way, i really do hope that cause our chemistry was too great before to understand why it has all turned to this. I never had feelings for anyone else when i had feelings for you and i always trusted you to be the same towards me, and i still do, so i know it's not that you have feelings for somebody else Helen but i don't understand the idea of feelings for somebody fading under this circumstance, our feelings were so strong Helen how can it just fade like that... is that really possible or is it because you're telling yourself that it has faded on purpose? It's not that i need you because i'm lonely Helen and it's also not that i've become too big a part of your life that you have to kick me out Helen, it's just that i do need you because i don't want to lose this opportunity to be with somebody that i have so much feelings for and so much chemistry for, it's never been like this Helen for me and i don't want to lose somebody that i know i want to be with forever. I honestly hope that you have felt that way towards me before because i know this is what i want and need and you are the person that i want to be with forever and start a family with and be happy with in the future. You are different to me Helen and i just want you to know that yes i have been mean to you in the most recent times and i have been really demanding but i just like you too much to let you go like that, you actually are special to me Helen and when all things are going bad you are the only person i look towards cause you are that special somebody that can make me smile and that i can depend on when everything seems to fall to pieces, you are that special somebody that makes me realise that i have never come accross somebody that i have liked more, and you are that special somebody that if i lose you i will never be able to replace and i guess i wish we were older, cause that's the way i feel towards you, like a husband to a wife Helen, and i just hope you do feel the same way towards me, or at least u did before.. I can't just let this all go cause i know and have seen what it is like when we are happy together, that was only on Monday and i wish i knew what happened in the past few days for us to turn so sour. We really can't go back to before?

    Harry Potter was disappointing. The trailer looked so good, i was so excited. But god, voldemort didn't even come out, only for a split second. Well, i'll be watching it again on saturday :) I was at home today, doing nothing but sleep.

    Two things i'll be looking forward in the holidays:

    1.Driving.
    2.Hanging with Jess and Dima next Monday.

    Can't wait :)


    Does your memory play tricks on you?
    Does it do that thing where one day, every touch,
    every glance, every moment is so crystal clear you can feel it, like it’s happening right now?
    Then it does the other thing, where you struggle to remember how it felt to be in their arms, to gaze at their face, to touch their lips so gently with yours. I’m mad at myself, not you. I’m mad for always being nice, always apologising for things I didn’t do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all for not hating which I know I should, but can’t.
    Everyone of us is losing something precious to us. Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again. That’s part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads,at least that’s where I imagine it, there’s a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in a while, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you’ll live forever in your own little private library.

    helena x


    I have never been happier, ever! Can't wait till fame tomorrow and can't wait to watch Harry Potter on wednesday too, i wonder though if it's going to be as good as the previous ones. Recently i've been seeing Helen so much and i just wish i was with her right now. I miss her so bad and can't wait to see her tomorrow ! ahh i have been sick and yesterday my eyes were like puffy fishballs, although i must say teabags on eyes really helps if they are swollen ;). P.S i love her.

    -Adrian

    you're the perfect lullaby

    Yesterday you were better off than you are today but it took today for you to realize it. but today has arrived and it’s too late. you see? people are never happy with what they have. they want what they had, or what others have. the grass is always greener on the other side.
    & as you’re reading this, your life’s getting shorter.
    it’s ticking away.
    i’m not saying this to frighten you.
    or even scare you.
    though it may.
    i’m saying this to awaken you.
    to inspire you.
    to rise you out of your deep slumber.
    to really know you won’t live forever.

    Will you be there?

    "In our darkest hour
    In my deepest despair
    Will you still care?
    Will you be there?
    In my trials
    And my tripulations
    Through our doubts
    And frustrations
    In my violence
    In my turbulence
    Through my fear
    And my confessions
    In my anguish and my pain
    Through my joy and my sorrow
    In the promise of another tomorrow
    Ill never let you part
    For youre always in my heart."


    Would it surprise you if i told you all i wanted was you right now. Would it hurt you if i told you i am hurting without you right now..

    -Adrian

    So what do you want me to say? It's true. Maybe I’m not good enough for them. Maybe they don’t need me. To me, it’s been placed on a trust line. And I ran across it. What the hell is the matter with me? I am human. Believe in me, talk to me, love me, need me. Just simply talk to me.


    helena x


    ...I'm the son of rage and love, the Jesus of Suburbia

    -Adrian


    The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you, it is when you don’t understand yourself.

    Got to sleep in today till 10am because of athletics carnival. I'm having a crappy week already and i don't even know why. I want these shoes from hype :( But i didn't get the chance to get them today but am looking forward to getting them soon or i'll be miserable. Why is it that holidays are taking forever to come? 1 week and 2 days. That's all that's left. But why does it seem like time is slowly passing by?
    Optus ripped me off ;( My phone is getting charged for internet, when the lady said it'll be FREE of charge. I guess i'm just foolish and gullible, but she sounded so convining and i kept asking her about it. I can't be fucked blogging anymore, ciao.